Story time kids! On the last day of the art program called CCY, a small nonbinary person is hot, sweaty, and absolutely done caring about anything. So instead of putting on a shirt while packing, what does this nonbinary person do? They walk around their room and their dorm hall in just a bra and short shorts. This is no strange occurrence on the hall, mind you, as many girls do this, but for this particular person, it is a very big deal. This person is incredibly self conscious of their big belly covered in stretch marks and their breasts that always give them dysphoria. But they simply did not give a crap, and they did not wear shirt.
Can you guess who this particular nonbinary pal is? Surprise! It’s me! And even more surprisingly, is that it felt damn good. I thought I’d feel dysphoric or self conscious wearing only a bra, but instead, I just felt confident. At first, I thought it was just because of my absolute lack of cares to give right then, but it wasn’t. After I felt a little better, I still continued with that confidence. I’d put on a shirt by then, but I was suddenly seriously considering wearing a crop top in public, something I’ve always wanted to do, but never thought I had the “body type” for it.
Because guess what guys? I’m not skinny. I’m not tiny. I am a big person, with the stretch marks and fat to prove it. I don’t mind being this weight, though. I really don’t. The reason I have never worn a crop top before is mainly because of shame programmed in my mind, due to society and my awful sisters always mocking me for showing even just the slight amount of skin that is revealed when my shirt rides up. If I wasn’t so afraid of backlash, I’d be wearing crop tops and booty shorts all the time. I may be big and I may be nonbinary, but that doesn’t mean that I can love my body and want to show it.
This instance and the distance I got from my sisters cruel words for four weeks helped me realize something. My body is something beautiful. Every stretch mark and too dark hair is beautiful. I’ve decided that I liked my not giving a crap attitude, and I liked wearing just a bra. It didn’t make me dysphoric, it made me confident and happy. And whatever you wear, be it a hijab or a bikini top, it should make you confident and happy. As long as it does that, it doesn’t matter what others think.
So I’ve kept that attitude, and I fully intend to wear a crop top in the near future, no matter what my sisters think.
Who knew not giving a crap could feel so good?