Gender

Who Knew Not Giving a Crap Would Feel This Good?

Story time kids! On the last day of the art program called CCY, a small nonbinary person is hot, sweaty, and absolutely done caring about anything. So instead of putting on a shirt while packing, what does this nonbinary person do? They walk around their room and their dorm hall in just a bra and short shorts. This is no strange occurrence on the hall, mind you, as many girls do this, but for this particular person, it is a very big deal. This person is incredibly self conscious of their big belly covered in stretch marks and their breasts that always give them dysphoria. But they simply did not give a crap, and they did not wear shirt.

Can you guess who this particular nonbinary pal is? Surprise! It’s me! And even more surprisingly, is that it felt damn good. I thought I’d feel dysphoric or self conscious wearing only a bra, but instead, I just felt confident. At first, I thought it was just because of my absolute lack of cares to give right then, but it wasn’t. After I felt a little better, I still continued with that confidence. I’d put on a shirt by then, but I was suddenly seriously considering wearing a crop top in public, something I’ve always wanted to do, but never thought I had the “body type” for it.

Because guess what guys? I’m not skinny. I’m not tiny. I am a big person, with the stretch marks and fat to prove it. I don’t mind being this weight, though. I really don’t. The reason I have never worn a crop top before is mainly because of shame programmed in my mind, due to society and my awful sisters always mocking me for showing even just the slight amount of skin that is revealed when my shirt rides up. If I wasn’t so afraid of backlash, I’d be wearing crop tops and booty shorts all the time. I may be big and I may be nonbinary, but that doesn’t mean that I can love my body and want to show it.

This instance and the distance I got from my sisters cruel words for four weeks helped me realize something. My body is something beautiful. Every stretch mark and too dark hair is beautiful. I’ve decided that I liked my not giving a crap attitude, and I liked wearing just a bra. It didn’t make me dysphoric, it made me confident and happy. And whatever you wear, be it a hijab or a bikini top, it should make you confident and happy. As long as it does that, it doesn’t matter what others think.

So I’ve kept that attitude, and I fully intend to wear a crop top in the near future, no matter what my sisters think.

Who knew not giving a crap could feel so good?

Uncategorized

Coming Soon: The Humble Bumble!!!!

Coming soon to an Etsy store near you: the Humble Bumble, an amigurumi bee crochet store!! That’s right, I am starting an Etsy store!!!! This store is going to focus centrally on amigurumi bees and bee related items, such as pencil toppers, keychains, pillows, and headbands!!

Why the focus on bees you may ask? Well, it’s because 20% of each purchase will go to the Honeybee Conservancy, to help save the bees!!!

We rely on bees to pollinate so much of our our foods, from fruits and vegetables, to nuts, even to cotton. Without bees, we would no longer be able to eat nuts like almonds or cashews, and products like apples, pumpkins, and even onions would no longer be available. Over thirty percent of the worlds crops and ninety percent of the worlds wild plants rely on cross pollination from bees to grow. $15 billion a year of crops in the United States alone rely on bees, and the honey industry brings in $150 million a year.

And yet, over 25% of the managed bee population in the United States have mysteriously died out since 1990. Scientists are calling this disappearance Colony Collapse Disorder (CCD), and we have very little idea as to what’s causing it. The best guesses are excessive pesticide use in the fields the honeybees are pollinating that are killing these essential little creatures by the dozens.

The Honeybee Conservancy is working to support research into Colony Collapse Disorder, support local food initiatives and beekeepers, promote local environmental and science education, and inspire communities to plant bee habitats and create hives. You can help them protect the bees by donating, planting a bee garden, or buying some of my crocheted bee themed items once my store is up!!

We can make a difference guys! Let’s help save the bees!!

Mental Health

A Home Is Different From A House

The past three days at CCY have been a bit of a mess. I have had a break down every day since Wednesday, and for one very good reason: I had to go home to my sisters. So not only was I crying out of exhaustion and the need to go home, because if you think this was an easy going camp, then you’d be wrong, but I also had to deal with the thought of what exactly be going home too.

Let’s be honest. My home life? Not stellar. My little sisters make my life a living hell, every second of every day. They call me worthless, disgusting, fat, and all these other horrible words. They tell me to go kill myself and scream when my shirt rides up a little because I’m that repulsive to them. They do everything they can to make my life a living hell, including using my birth name and purposefully mis-gendering me every time they can. I literally cannot walk downstairs without being told that no one wants me there and that I’m a selfish brat.

It freaking sucks.

And so this week, I’ve had to come to terms with the thought of what home really was. In one of my classes, I had to anonymously write a fear, because facing it is the easiest way to get over it. I admitted that I was afraid of my sisters and that I’ll never know what home is. I was not ready to admit this, I think. Since that day on Tuesday, I’ve been a complete wreck. I’ve been crying every day, I’ve been anxious, I’ve been scared. I’m way too exhausted to want to stay at camp. But I’m so afraid of my sisters that I don’t want to go home.

I want to go someplace that is emotionally safe and nurturing, someplace I can relax and be myself without getting yelled at for it. I want to go somewhere I can be happy and recharged and…. and it’s really, really upsetting and extremely depressing that I don’t actually have a place like that. I don’t even have a person who can make me feel safe and who can be strong for me so I don’t have to be, for once.

And this probably seems like I’m using my blog as a therapy session, but I swear I have a point. I don’t seem to have a home right now. I’ve got a house, and food, and a good life, sure. Just not a home. Not with my sisters here. And you may be in the same boat as me. You may not have someplace emotionally, or even physically, safe. I can tell you right now, that I understand. That’s why I am writing this. So you know that someone out there gets it. So that you know that someone out there is in the same boat, and so that maybe we can find a home in each other.

writing

An Overdue Apology

It has been approximately three weeks since I last made a post, which is not a good move for a brand new blog. BUT, I swear I have a good excuse. Because my laptop is really old and really mean to me, it won’t let me access the internet while I’m in the dorms at my camp, even though it says I have internet (What the heck laptop??). And I’m not allowed to take my laptop out of my room. And I’m so busy I don’t have time to go to the library and take forty minutes to write up a good blog post every two to three days.

Do you see my issue here?

So here’s the plan. I leave camp on Saturday, and once I get home, I will have two whole weeks to catch you guys up on what went on at CCY. This will include posts every one to three days ranging from what I did on various days, me sharing my new knowledge with you, my Arts Advocacy Project (Which I’ll tell you about later!) And various pieces of fiction that I wrote!

Hopefully two weeks of regular updating will get me back in the swing of things. After that, I’ve got another camp for a week, where I should be able to post, but I’m not sure how much time I’ll have, then a week in Saint Lucia, where I probably won’t have wifi. Then another free week, and then school!! So this massive chunk of silence will not be happening again for a while, I promise.

Hopefully I still have some followers who haven’t given up on me (although I wouldn’t blame you if you did), and if so, I’ll see you in a week!!

Mental Health · writing

CCY Update: Day One

Today was move in day for my super cool writing program, called the Center for Creative Youth, or, CCY!! So far, I’ve met a few awesome individuals, learned that fancy art camps on college campuses come with a few interesting quirks like centipedes and birth control if needed (sex is allowed?!? So is smoking apparently!), and already drained my social battery! Fun stuff! Tomorrow I start classes and I am genuinely excited for that, so WHOO!!

Going to this camp is a really big deal for me. Two years ago, I was bouncing in and out of the mental hospital. Staying away from home was impossible with my sensory and emotional needs being too great. Now here I am, ready to leave the safe haven of my familiar home and head into the world. It’s a big deal.

Its exciting, but also nerve wracking. What if I can’t handle it emotionally? What if my bug phobia gets too severe in this centipede infested, crazy buggy camp? What if my sensory problems or energy problems or even writers block makes this camp impossible for me to remain at, and I need to take a break at home, or worse, come home permanently? I think I’d hate myself for the rest of time if I had to do that.

But I think the important thing for me, and for any other person leaving home for the first time, is to remember the good things about the new place, rather than focus on my fears. Yes, there might be no air conditioning and yes, there might be serious drains on my social battery. But there is also writing and excitement and independence! And I’ve got the support of my family and therapists behind me, who all think that I can do this.

Leaving home may be scary. Trying new things and new places may seem impossible and terrifying, and maybe you can’t do it right now. But someday you will be able to. Someday, the good things about the place will outweigh your fears. It’s not impossible. Nothing is impossible. I can do this.

Just, maybe after a good nights sleep first.

writing

Works In Progress: 6/20/17

Currently, I am working on two stories: Nightmares, and A Star Has Fallen.

Nightmares

Summary: Owl is a Nightmare who is just trying to make Dream Catchers and stop hurting people, but when a Dream Angel and his fellow Nightmares try and pull him onto their side of a never ending war, Owl must struggle to follow his beliefs, and his heart.

Progress: Just beginning Draft One

 

A Star Has Fallen

Summary: When a star falls from the heaven’s, the Warlock Road and his friends have to work together to teach them how to live on Earth. Featuring a fun cast of characters like a bee loving lesbian, an agender autistic star, an emo ghost, and a sorceress who really doesn’t like zoos, this story is a heartwarming mix of friendship and learning.

Progress: First rounds of editing.

 

writing

Will I Be Publishing A Star Has Fallen?

Good question! The long and short of it is yes, in some way, shape, or form. I know for a fact that I want to share A Star Has Fallen with the world. It is definitely not staying on my hard drive, I can tell you that. But whether I get it physically published or simply published on WattPad is a different story.

For me, publishing traditionally or even self publishing is not the same as putting my work out there. And honestly, I don’t think one is better than the other. Would it be freaking amazing to see me physical book on a bookshelf at Barnes and Noble and be able to hand it out to my family some day? Heck yea!! I would love that, and it would be the absolute best day of my life to have that happen.

Do I think it’s necessary for me? No. I don’t necessarily care if I get my book physically published or not. I just want to share it, and I can do that equally well through WattPad. If I got a few comments or a couple of likes, I would be ecstatic. If the story blew up and became immensely popular on WattPad, I would be screaming with joy. If it got physically published, I would explode with happiness. But either way, people will be reading it. It will be out in the world. That’s enough for me.

Because I am honestly terrified of physically publishing my novel. Yes, its a life goal and a dream of mine, but I don’t know if I’m ready yet. I don’t know if I’m ready for figuring out a contract and marketing and  facing the monetary aspect. It’s a heck of a lot to do, and it scares me. I’m willing to settle for online publishing, as long as it gets put out there. Because I’m so scared and so young, maybe WattPad is a good first step anyways! As I keep saying, I’m good with that! Someone will read it. That’s all I need.

Now keep in mind that this is all where I’m at with this particular novel, which just so happens to be the first thing I’m actually proud of writing and that I want to share with the world, which if we are being frank, is the real reason I’m so scared. I’ve never been proud of something I’ve written, not to the extent of sharing it. The prospect that I want to now? TERRIFYING!!!!

Maybe this mindset will change with Nightmares, when I’ve had experience with editing and sharing my novel. Maybe it won’t, and I’ll be content just writing for myself and a handful of followers on WattPad. I really can’t tell. All I can say is that for now, I’m happy with doing as little for A Star Has Fallen as simply sharing with a few betas and putting it on WattPad.

We’ll think about Nightmares once we get there!